On The Path Less Travelled

How do you begin to mend a dwindling sex life when you're not sure why it faded off to begin with?  Well, I'm a problem solver.  I needed to know why.  Me and my wife were talking, communicating again, and for the first time, actually talking about our sexual needs and desires.  I needed to know what was broken and fix it.  My needs were fairly simple - more sex = less auto-erotic behavior and fantasy compulsions.  Hers, were a little more shocking, at least to me.  See, it turns out, I wasn't the greatest lover in the world.  In fact, it turns out, nine times out of ten, the sex was all for my benefit.  I was never particularly concerned about that before, after all, I had thought she was enjoying herself.  But we weren't communicating well, and this was one thing that wasn't communicated at all.  That's right, she confessed to faking it.

Well, my ego could take that bit of humbling it this was just a one night stand or short relationship.  But we're married.  I wasn't satisfying my wife.  That's obviously not a recipe for great sex, more sex, a happy marriage, or anything else that we wanted.  It's a recipe for exactly what happened.  She wasn't particularly concerned about the frequency of sex or even thought about it much at all.  I think our marriage was timed just about the post-promiscuous-early-adulthood stage, but still far from the hormonal-surge-procreation-needed stage.  Now compound that with the fact that for her, the sex wasn't particularly fun.  In other words, just as we got married, comfortable, her interest  in sex dropped like a lead balloon.  Well, I'm a highly sexual person, and that didn't work for me.

Obviously I needed to fix this.  I also needed to fix something inside of me.  Being a highly sexual person, but finding anything like conventional pornography dull and boring, I had invested years in building up some complex fantasy scenarios.  I had written about some of it and role-played some of it on the internet.  Not the most healthy stuff.  She found some of it and read it.  At least, she thought, I was a good writer.  But obviously, these fantasies needed to go.  To do that, I needed something else, something new and powerful to take that place.

I found Tantric sex.  Most people have heard about it.  Promises wonders.  Most people don't really bother to invest in it or find out much more than the surface.  Well, I read everything I could find.  It's not so straightforward, nor does everyone recommend the same practice, techniques, or philosophy.  But there was one thing in common: men are supposed to give up ejaculation.

Um, wait a minute.

That wasn't a welcome thought.  But every single book, website, or person I've talked to about it basically has the same position.  Eventually, in the end, the man can learn to have multiple "tantric" orgasms.  At least, that is the theory.  Well, okay, to me, this sounds like a go.  You are supposed to ease into it by learning to first make love without ejaculation.

Turns out, that's pretty hard.  I wasn't able to do very well at first.  So, back to the books and back to the original plan - I was supposed to be learning this to give my wife pleasure, right?  Well, I do enjoy eating pussy.  Especially hers.  Of course, I always expected reciprocation immediately afterwards.  So, perhaps I would start "retaining semen" and we would take a break from penetrative sex.  I set a goal of one month - no masturbating, no intercourse, just pure focus on pleasuring her.

It took three failures before I actually succeeded.  First time, I made it a week.  Second time, two weeks.  The third time, I was really determined.  I actually even let myself look at some erotic stuff, got her some lingerie and fantasized about her in it.  Masturbated a bit, but stopped before the end.  Got used to masturbating like that, without climax.

And what happened?  After I made it the first month, I discovered something new.  I really, really liked it.  I had all this amazing sexual energy, and felt passionate about her almost all day long.  I had trouble sleeping at first, after making love to her without any big-O for me, so I just cuddled her instead.  And I liked that too.

So did she.  In fact, she hadn't read much about tantra at all, so she was thinking that this was it.   In my mind, I was still waiting to get through this first stage so I could learn to have tantric orgasms and go back to traditional intercourse.  We did, eventually, start having intercourse again.  It took a while before she actually started helping me to avoid ejaculation.  I practiced breathing and other exercises to hold back ejaculation.  The only thing that never happened was that "tantric orgasm".

But you know what?  I didn't care.  I liked this new way of lovemaking better.  She obviously did as well, loved it a ton.  Sex was actually fun and pleasurable for her now.  Extremely so.  She went from essentially mostly non-orgasmic to multiply orgasmic sexual encounters.  I went from daily orgasm, to monthly, to almost never.  She still wanted to bring me to climax, but now that I recognized the low that brought about in me, I didn't actually desire it.  She hadn't yet learned to see how that erased my desire for her, wiped out my sex drive.  And of course, made everything less fun.  I had a new kink now, even though it wasn't clear to me yet.  I had a kink for orgasm denial - and worshipping her.  To prove to her how important it was, I would further sabotage things after getting a climax - and reward her with gifts and devotion when I didn't.  Mostly, this was subconscious, but in retrospect, it was obvious.  I liked getting her gifts and showering her with affection.  She liked the new me.

I suppose it took a while to adjust, but there was a definite shift for both of us.  Pretty soon, this was just  - how things were.  I still had a couple lapses here and there, and she got over eager and brought me to climax a few times, but things had changed, permanently.  I now desired her orgasm more than my own.  I desired pleasuring her more than I desired sex.  Those are psychological and sexual boundaries that are very difficult to cross.  And once you have crossed, even more difficult to cross back.

We were now coloring outside the lines - we were on the path less travelled.