I think someone needs to write a manual for newly-weds that explains the way things are going to be. There's the couple that got married right after high school, the couple that got married because little Mr. was on the way, the couple that one day decided to run off and elope.
They are all headed for the same place, only they don't know it yet. No matter how long you've been dating, marriage changes things, it's the really big bond. We're not talking about it's okay to walk away if you have a bad fight now. We're talking serious consequences. Family, friends, your co-workers, your church, if that is your thing, may all very well walk away from you. Money may need to be split up, lawyers come in and you have a lot of non-fun things to deal with. The funny thing is, this sense of impending doom at the thought of separation is actually what causes the problem in the first place.
See, once you have those kind of consequences, you've got a very good reason to avoid them. In other words, you've got a very good reason to keep secrets. And everybody has secrets. Most men have a secret stash of porn somewhere. I did, and no matter how many times I got rid of it, it always came back. Most men have a hidden fantasy or two that they never thought of revealing to anyone, ever. And most men are really bad at keeping secrets. Women on the other hand, are really good at keeping secrets. Especially, the secrets they find out about their husbands. Especially, their feelings about these secrets. Especially, how that makes them feel about themselves.
Okay, so this is a giant over simplification and generalization, but I can't help but notice. A few years in, most married couples suffer a communication breakdown. There's usually a sexual element involved. Maybe someone fears a wandering eye. Maybe somebody spends a little too much time with an office co-worker. Maybe a baby gets in the way. The couple's sex life begins to drop off. At that point, I don't know about other men, but the way this happens to me, I either get depressed, or I have to do something about it. Maybe not the most appropriate thing. Maybe somebody gets blasting drunk and e-mails someone they met over the internet a story about some bizarre sexual fantasy. Maybe they fall asleep at the computer and their spouse reads that in the morning. This usually happens around a big anniversary, important birthday, or other poorly timed event. It may not happen in exactly this way. Maybe somebody cheats. I never did, but I did get very close to letting that happen. I'm not religious; concerns about punishment in the afterlife are not an issue for me. Fortunately, I had the decency and respect for my wife to set that as a ground rule: if I ever felt I needed to cheat, I'd tell her first, and we'd separate. I felt really close to that point, right around the time I got caught.
Why? Because I felt rejected. My needs were not being met, and I didn't know why.
Turns out that was all because we were not communicating. After spending lots of money with a therapist, we found that the best thing we could do was to talk. After that, we stopped seeing the therapist.
Of course, there was the big elephant in the room to talk about, what do we do about that? I needed to dismantle this set of fantasies I had built up. We needed some kind of sexual healing to take place, to start things differently. I needed to rebuild her trust.
And to do that, I found myself walking down the strangest avenue I've ever ventured. Something so radical, that at first, I rejected it. Something that became so intense, it actually caused problems of its own. It's a tough ride, the first time. I can only imagine how others have dealt with it. Turns out, I was young when all this happened, relatively speaking. Most 29 year old guys don't want a thing to do with orgasm denial.
What happens when they try it is quite another story - and another post.
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